Comments about your body

I want to tell you that everything you have heard about comments about your body or ethnicity are probably false. And I’m going to share with you a boundary I’ve established with regards to comments about my body and it may in fact guide you in your decision on what to do when someone makes a comment about your body.

When a person makes a comment to you about your body it most likely has something to do with your ethnicity. The two are linked because one of the building blocks of ethnicity is bloodline which then makes up your body substance (physical features)1.

Comments about your body – excluding verbal violence (i.e. threats, bullying) – are usually subtle and disguised as being conversational. Whether that’s the intention or not, often comments like these don’t feel good to us.

“I don’t get as dark as you in the sun.”

“You’d be prettier if you had a different nose.”

“I thought you were vegetarian.”

Comments about food are about the body and in turn, are also about your ethnicity as one of the building blocks of ethnicity has to do with who we eat with1. Regardless, food is essentially is about the body because it goes into the body. Comments about what you eat are the same as comments about your physical features.

Let’s check your current boundary around comments about your body:

  • Is it okay for some people to make a comment about your body (i.e. family members) and not okay for others (i.e. acquaintances) to make a comment?
  • Do you make comments about other people’s body?
  • Do you only make comments if the other person comments about their own body first? (then giving you permission to make a comment)
  • Do you think it’s okay to make positive comments (how you perceive them as positive) and not ok to make negative comments about their body?
  • Is it okay to make comments about celebrities? about their hair? If they’ve gotten Botox, the diet that they’re currently on?

I used to make comments about celebrities, thinking it’s okay because they won’t hear them. I had a lot rules like these and what’s interesting in setting up a boundary like this is that is actually doesn’t help you feel better or even better about your body.

It seems the biggest falsehood was that having rules like the ones mentioned above were the biggest source of my misery. I decided I needed to have only one boundary – I don’t make comments on other people’s physical features. Period. No celebrities, not my best friend.

Now, it doesn’t mean I don’t tell someone they look fabulous or amazing. I do. But I don’t make a comment about their body or a physical feature like:

“You look fantastic, that dress suits your skin tone.”

It clears up my head. Knowing that there is no need to focus on anyone’s physical feature to complement them will free up a lot of the mind drama in your head.

So what does that mean when someone makes a comment about one of my physical features, like the three real life comments from above?

What does it mean to you is the exact question you need to ask yourself. What does a comment about your body mean to you? When these comments were said to me I made it mean a lot of things in my head. My mind would circle and circle with negativity chipping at my self-worth. How?

Well, someone saying that my skin is dark is only a negative thing until I decide it is. Which I had done so. I interpreted my physical features due to my ethnicity as negative – my dark skin, nose and the fact that I ate meat.

And then I needed to have a boundary around what I said to myself about my physical features regardless of what others said. I refused to think and believe that my physical features meant something negative. No matter what someone’s intention was I stopped attaching meaning to their words.

I took their words at face value, as they said them. So indeed my friend thought I was vegetarian. And it stops there. And indeed, my family member thought I would be prettier with a different nose. It stops there. I wasn’t going to add that that meant I was ugly. Because it didn’t.

And by allowing other’s to have their comments I could then see how I had my own negative comments about my physical features running inside my head. And that was where the real boundary needed to be. Not with what others said.

Today, can you make a comment about the food I’m eating. Absolutely. Can you make a comment about my thick, wavy hair? Absolutely. Can you make a comment about my skin tone? Absolutely.

There are now only two boundaries about comments: what I say to people (or rather what I don’t say) and how I interpret those comments to mean something about me.

I speak more about this in the podcast episode 13 Boundary: Ethnicity.

1Nash, Manning. The Cauldron of Ethnicity in the Modern World. Chicago, The University of Chicago Press, 1989.

How to answer poor questions

Questions that seem like conversation but offer no real dialogue are a bummer to any relationship.

Did you go broke shopping at the mall?

Where are you really from?

Didn’t you eat the sushi?

I couldn’t make up these questions even if I wanted to. Now, it’s not to say that there’s anything wrong with them. There isn’t. What I’ve noticed is that the conversation doesn’t really launch into any sort of anything but a back and forth tennis match of poor questions. And it can stop by how you answer them. And the best news, you can create a better conversation from it!

The first part of answering the poor question is to actually hear the poor question and not your interpretation of it or your thoughts about it. This requires a mind shift in how you view the question and you can learn more about that in the previous article.

We tend to answer poor questions like this:

Did you go broke at the mall? Ah, no, I managed to get what I needed.

It’s so subtle but we end up explaining our actions. And the question wasn’t asked: how and how much did you spend at the mall? We often (when not conscious of it) tend to answer from a place of defensiveness (of our actions). Even justifying them sometimes.

Once you understand that it’s the words of the other person that you need to respond to instead of how you interpreted the question, you can now answer it in a way that you want to. And if progressing the conversation to a dialogue is what you want, you can create a space in which to do so.

Here’s one way to do so. It’s called BBR (Bring it Back to a Response). But it originally comes from the work of psycholinguist Suzette Haden Elgin and she called it Baroque Boring Response. I modified it slightly and it’s a fantastic tool whenever you encounter a poor question.

The essence of the tool is to answer the question (even though it may be a Yes/No question) with 2-3 sentences that are related to the topic of the question. Now, in Elgin’s work it works to deflect verbal abusive statements or questions. Here, I use it to create a launching pad from which better conversation can happen.

One of the ways to do this and make it easier is to think of a response that includes talking about something you love or find interesting about the subject of the question. You add interesting, fun information rather than defending yourself and/or actions. Let’s tackle the questions form above!

Where are you (really) from? I was actually born in the hospital which the long running television series is based on. And one of my favourite actors happens to be in it. (Then I name the actor I’m referring to).

Did you go broke at the mall?

I found a lot of great shops that are owned by smaller brands and I hope that it continues that way and that smaller brands have a better chance of competing against the brands on the high street.

Didn’t you have the sushi? They make the best sushi rolls, don’t they? I’d usually order sushi but I heard about their signature dish of noddles with spicy shrimp and I couldn’t resist. I hope they offer a take away menu soon so I can enjoy it at home.

Believer or not, these questions have been asked of me and I’ve answered as above. Notice, I still answer their question (how I want to answer it) and then I add something of my experience that is genuine. None of these answers I had to “make up”.

This is really effective especially if these questions are asked with other people around. What usually happens is that someone else will jump into the conversation because of something I added and then the back and forth useless Closed questions becomes more of a conversation rather than a myriad of defending yourself.

If you’d like to hear more about this technique I discuss my experience with it in the podcast episode 6: How to handle poor questions Part 2.

Handling poor questions

Ever wonder why you’re annoyed by some questions? It could be because of how it’s been asked and then you feel the obligation of answering it because you don’t want to be rude. Or you know that answering it won’t lead to any sort of great conversation. And that’s basically a dead end.

Even when you’re asked a poor question, there are ways to get off that dead end path. Better yet, there’s one way to handle it so that you can change the dynamic of the conversation. And I’ll outline the first part of the strategy here and the second part in the next article.

Now, there are many more poor questions out there, I discuss a few of my favourites in the previous post. However, you can apply the following strategy with any question that you don’t particularly like.

This strategy is modified from the works of psycholinguist Suzette Haden Elgin whom I owe so much to. Her work helped me through conversational dynamics where I thought I was driving myself crazy. And it turns out I could stop doing so and respond to questions another way.

The first thing you need to do is change your mind about the question being asked. This is the hardest thing to do. Because once we’ve decided we don’t like a question or the conversation of a particular person, we see all the signs that point to why we’re right.

In order to help change your mind about the person asking a poor question, you’ll need to use Miller’s Law (based on psychologist George Miller).

Miller’s Law: You assume what the other person is saying is true.

What? You heard correctly. You assume but you don’t have to accept that it’s true. For example, when people ask me “Where are you really from?”. I make an assumption that what they’re asking is “why are you brown?”. But assuming what they’re saying is true means hearing the question without my added thoughts or interpretation of that question.

It doesn’t mean that I accept it’s true that they’re asking out of genuine curiosity about me. It only means that I assume their words are true without focusing on the intent of those words (which by the way is impossible to know because we don’t always know the true intent of our actions).

Instead of focusing on the intent, I only have to focus on their words (what they actually say) to be true.

It then becomes easier to see the words and then respond to those words. Instead of responding to their intention.

But wait? What if that question comes from a place of prejudice? Well, that could be true, couldn’t? Let me ask you this: is it your responsibility to reveal that that question is coming from a place of prejudice?

It isn’t. It’s the other person’s responsibility to communicate their true intention and have their actions match it. It’s not yours to decipher it and help them become a more effective communicator. And what you’ll find is that when you respond from a place of hearing their words instead of their intention, their true intentions will be revealed in the course of your conversation with them. And if it’s from a place of prejudice, you’ll know because of their actions through their words, not your assumption.

So, great? Then, what do you do? Well, then you can answer this question any way you want. It then becomes a question, a question that is inquiring a piece of information about you. That’s it. It’s not about your skin colour or their curiosity or anything else. Because you get to answer it how you want based on hearing the words.

In the next article, I discuss one way to respond to poor questions so you can deliver a message that you want. Check out the article on How to Answer a Poor Question. If you want to hear more about shifting your mindset around Miller’s Law, then check out the podcast episode 5: How to handle poor questions Part One.